greene ‧₊˚ 𓅭 ₊⌖𓂃ִֶָ 𓇻₊

dear victoria,

i think i just want to say thank you. thank you for giving us music that stays with us forever, wherever we go. i absolutely would have come out a different person from everything i've been through if beach house did not exist, and i would instead be the coldest, saddest, most pessimistic person in the world without you and alex. thank you for writing songs that sound like they would be the people who could have been there for me if they were people. we don't know each other, and i've never even been to a beach house show, but i think you two shaped me into who i needed to be when my mother only showed me who not to be. beach house has taught me how to love again, when to let go, and that it's not shameful to feel this way.

okay, NOW i'll actually tell you the details in a shorter form so i don't stress myself out. so the main thing: $565? for two tickets in zone 214? bitch excuse me? dynamic pricing is a horrific capitalistic idea. but hey at least i'll be motivated to save up. the good thing is that my mom let me use her card as long as I pay back all of it. and, neither of my parents know what the hell to get me for christmas, so they said i wont have to pay them back for one ticket if they don't get me anything for christmas. and as someone who does NOT need more stuff in their room at all, this sounds pretty good, and that way, laura will have to pay me back half as much because we would be splitting the cost of one ticket. i think i'll say yes. i'm a vacation person anyways.

BUT, i can't make up my mind since i feel like i could pay that off within the damn year if i actually get a job at the library or the commissary like i want to. ANOTHER but, the best things come during my birthday anyways, so maybe i should just go for it. and time fucking flies and i'll be like, "wait, what was that deal i made? whatever, at least i'm paying for one ticket. long live the black parade or whatever." and it would just be easier for me and laura both.

just paying for this concert is enough to make me go "okay, thats enough concerts for this year and the next year. let's be financially responsible!!! yay!!!" ticketmaster wars are not fucking fun and im never doing that again unless its someone's farewell tour. deadass? ill just wait for people's resold tickets closer to the day of the show and see if i get lucky. theres always gonna be a band i'll wanna see that i can do this with. like yeah, yolo, but yolo with wisdom (next time lmao). right now i give a fuck but in a year i assure you i will not give a single fuck. i basically just committed an extreme financial yolo just because my parents trust me more than i trust them. which makes sense because i'm awesome and nobody's as awesome as me.

anyways CONCERT FITS!!! laura is gonna be helena and i'm gonna wear the same thing gerard did when he was that really stupidly hot secretary lady with long leather gloves and white contacts. laura is like infinitely more experienced with contacts thought so shes gonna choose the brand. that isn't set in stone, but if we were helena and the scary secretary, it would be the perfect crossover episode. and way easier than the demolition lovers because i'm not getting a fucking suit and where the fuck is laura gonna find a dress like the demolition woman's?? anyways so the plan right *now* is helena and the secretary unless one of us has a better idea.

and bitch what do you MEAN i'm thinking about a concert fit a year in advance but haven't started planning my halloween costume for this year. what the fucking kind of logic is this? this is faggot with adhd logic

AUGHHHH I'M SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!! however any visceral reaction i may have to anything is always delayed by a few days at least so if i come back in a week and post some odd shit, that is personally normal behavior

i think i have to come to terms with the fact that my mom won't ever love me like i wanted her to. i can't change the past or change her mind. i'm gonna have to find someone else willing to love me as i am. a real person outside of my head and not a psychotic fan fantasy.

i'm gonna apply for a job next week if i feel like i'll be okay with doing both college stuff and work. i just can't wait to start a job once we move since i wanna get out of here this bad. ive been crying a lot at night and i'm so tired and i want something to change. maybe that something will change if i learn how to live and and have faith that there's something for me other than sitting at a computer typing. there's concerts, friends, pets, and the ocean to see and touch and cry into and laugh with.

well, that kinda reads like an inspirational tweet, which i fucking hate, but maybe it won't to other people. too late now, i'm not rewriting my thoughts to be pretty for human consumption. anyways, whenever i'm slipping and sleep deprived and want someone to talk to, a person just conveniently decides to pop into my head and talk. like, its always the same person every time too, like the last time this happened it was frank iero telling me to stay up and finish my schoolwork out of spite for everyone who expected you to fail. this time it's victoria legrand, which is like just as concerning as the frank iero in my brain just because like, why the fuck are there musicians i've never even seen in my brain?

at least vic is funnier than frank somehow. she sometimes tells me to send brainrot to my friends on instagram, and sometimes she tells me to just shut up and go to sleep. (words from vic: you said you were gonna make this quick!!! its 3 o'clock in the fuckin morning. you look like a shrimp right now by the way. oh and what the fuck are you listening to? yeah that's right go switch to your shoegaze playlist. fag.) what the fuck is her issue tonight. i mean she's obviously me but just as bipolar victoria. me in a different font.

i'm so bored. i don't do much for fun anymore since i get distracted while doing college, then i end up staying up late doing stuff. maybe today is the day i'll stop doing that, i hope, but who knows. i'm fucking dreading having to do that rhetorical analysis though. i thought i chose and interesting article to do based on the title, but holy shit, it's so boring and i can't change my option. oh and i did a bad thing. my brain just was not working last night and i only ended up doing three out of five of the photo critiques i was supposed to do. i feel guilty about it, but my brain deciding to stop functioning this one time isn't gonna be too terribly bad.

my friends and i are gonna hang out in the woods by my house on friday so i really have to lock in today and tomorrow and then saturday if i really wanna relax on friday and sunday. i really gotta try and have a schedule by next week if i wanna stop having to do stuff on weekends. anyways, i told em to bring any kind of alcohol they want if they wanted to bring some. i'm kinda still thinking about what were gonna do, which is scary, but i guess uno is on the list of potential things to do. or build a little fire and roast marshmallows in the little fire pit at the spot were going to. shit, well now i think i've settled on that idea. oh fuck wait, i don't even know if we have marshmallows. i gotta think of something else we might have or stop by lidl for a bag. but i actually have no fucking clue if they have those or if marshmallows are even a thing here, because we get them from the commissary. maybe we'll get wursts and roast those or some shit. i don't fuckin know. or i'll just be like. "heeey... do you guys reeeally wanna come to my town orrrr do we wanna do something else..." because i feel like these guys would be fine without me. which is like, whatever, to be honest. they'd probably get it if i had to cancel over college stuff, though. fuck, i told myself i wouldn't cancel but here we are.

some of the things i was getting distracted by yesterday were discord and my stupid ass computer not updating. on discord i was just talking to people about music and updating my profile using cool fonts or whatever for some reason. but my stupid ass computer needs some error code to be resolved or some bullshit. it works just fine right now, but my dad has to look at it later. ill sign out of my discord before i give it to him because i'm literally in a server for feedism. honestly, maybe i'll just sign out of discord while i work on shit so i don't wanna go and talk to people.

so, i guess i'm not bored, but maybe i just wanna relax a little while longer. and stop being so anxious about going outside so i can feel relaxed when i'm outside like i'm supposed to. i wish i wasn't nervous when all i do is walk past people, but i guess i have to live like this. i probably have social anxiety, like, actual medical condition anxiety. general anxiety and depression have always been there, lets be honest. i've thought about and have actually done a ton of crazy stuff to tue point where its not new. adhd, depression, anxiety, and mayyybe c-ptsd but i'm not gonna self diagnose myself with that. i thought i had autism for a while and all the medical stuff i read fit me pretty well, but it feels more like severe adhd and a mood disorder or trauma now. like, i didn't feel messed up from the start, i feel like everything that happened to me messed me up slowly.

SAY YOU'RE FUCKING SORRY TO ME. BEFORE I FUCKING BEAT A SORRY OUT OF YOU

frerard

lost, but it was on purpose
what must i do when found
where must i go?

trust, it is everything here
nothing gives me trust
does nothing trust everything?
does it trust everything,
to keep it nothing?

fear, i'll show you mine
if you show me yours.
i can still love nothing
once it shows itself

leave me with nothing
i prefer it this way
is it really loss,
if i let go on purpose?