zombie nails, my six turkey feathers plus other various random feathers, and my mychem + nirvana + pierce the veil + beach house band shrines

i wouldn't feel this way if i felt loved by my mom and dad. i wouldn't be laying here awake every night wondering what it's like to held tight out of just love and not consolation for things they did to make me feel shitty.

i don't. want. my mom. all of these "i want my mom" thoughts are just wasted energy bouncing off the inside of my skull, like bullets ricocheting in a concrete room. until one of the thoughts hit that "let's think about other older women" part of my mind, like a ricocheted bullet finally hitting my skull by chance. even if i almost never think about them in lustful ways (sorry vic legrand from beach house, you're the one exception), thinking about them giving me basic affection like a mother should makes me feel like some kind of pervert. maybe i am a gross freak since i felt better in the presence of teachers who were older than my mom. i wouldn't feel this way if i was loved normally.

i wish i could see my art teacher again. she had this beautiful-sounding first name, so beautiful that it made me want to whisper it to myself when i was home alone. our school had a senior letter thing where you could write a letter to a specific senior and they'd get it at graduation, and on mine she gave me, there's a watercolor painting of german farm fields with trees on the horizon and a large tree out of frame on the right. and there's these little red and orange paint splatters on the bottom that are supposed to be leaves blowing around. just imagining her carefully painting that tree, laying down a paper towel on her desk before putting the splatters on, and then putting her tiny signature in the corner seems so intimate. the last time i saw her was at graduation. she was waiting for me at the bottom of the stairs off the stage, and i think we hugged for a good two and a half seconds. but in my mind, it was five seconds. i had tears in my eyes and i didn't wanna let her go.

i'm certain she'll forget about me in a few years— maybe not the time i cussed out a girl for spilling boiling hot tea on my hand at 8 in the morning in front of her (zariah, go fuck yourself), or in my junior year when i was supposed to hand out candy at the school's trunk or treat but i decided to fuck around with my friends with a shopping cart from the px in the base housing area. the second felt like a once in a lifetime opportunity because i didn't think i'd even be alive to see graduation.

maybe if i was older and we were closer in age, i wouldn't feel so awful about this. maybe it wouldn't be so wrong to tell her how i felt. maybe then it wouldn't feel wrong to want to cling to her metaphorically and literally. maybe in another world, we're 25 and 30 holding hands at a local shoegaze show. maybe she'd be making sure i'm eating properly on the days i can barely get out of bed or on nights like these. maybe... i'm getting publicly shamed then executed in some orwellian dystopia for having romantic thoughts about someone her age. that wouldn't be so bad.

i really just wish i could be taken care of like a kid again, except by someone who actually gives a shit about me...

aaand i just missed my train to böblingen. i'm waiting for the next one and i'm gonna be late to stuttgart. but that's okay i guess, im usually not late to things... but i still feel like a bad friend. i let logan know i'm gonna be late and he said it's okay, but damn. maybe we should hang out more often and be there early so i seem like less of a bad friend. he's a cool dude even though he sends me like, way too many reels on instagram. i really could have stopped in one these little gas station stores to get a vape or something. but i dont even know where i'd hide that. or if i wanna risk vaping at all. ive only took a few hits from friends who offered me theirs.

i finished these two star wars coke can lights yesterday and i'm super happy they turned out so good!!! i cut out the top using my swiss army knife, followed the silhouette with a big needle, and then did the details and smaller silhouettes with a small needle. for vader's lightsaber i just cut a straight line with the knife. real candles inside would be cool, but all we have is the little fake candles that you can turn on. i'll wait until i have more to post these on to my instagram but right now i just reeeally wanted to post these somewhere :]

i really do feel like such a baby sometimes because i age regress and its so humiliating. i have no caretaker and all i do is lay in bed and hug and squeeze my cat plushie until it passes. i wish i wasn't like this.

it honestly might be because all i ever heard while growing up for the couple months before AND after birthdays was either "you're almost [age] now, do it by yourself." or "you're already [age] now, do it by yourself." i feel like i'm just dramatic and that that's normal, but what if i just wanted help? it's like wanting help is a criminal offense unless you're my sister. she's 13 and still gets read warrior cats books every night and still clings to our parents. i mean the extra help is necessary because she's physically disabled and can't walk for too long or stand for too long, but it's fucking excessive. not to be a bitch and be jealous of a literal 13 year old, because i'd do anything for her too, but i wouldn't excessively just give her everything she wants. i love her but she's so spoiled.

all i got when i was 13 was berating because i'm the gay trans one with adhd. (and i'm ugly on top of that.) I still get called "she" by my mom even though i have a little noticeable peach fuzz mustache, i don't shave anything anywhere, i don't wear anything else but smudged eyeliner and chapstick, and i've naturally deepened my voice. when i was EIGHT, i was very heavily medicated for my adhd and was called too emotional for having the bad side effects when all i needed was therapy. for as long as i can remember, i've always felt like i had to act a certain way all the time because there were "cameras everywhere and people watching" or some shit. since i was six i always looked in the mirror wondering when i'd look "normal like the other kids." normal never came because i'm wasian (indonesian + white) and i'm ugly in both worlds. i have two friends who are the thinner, paler, prettier, nicer versions of me. the word "distracted" makes me have flashbacks to when i was both homeschooled and in actual school, and makes me angry.

it's no big surprise i turned out this way. when i didn't feel like a failure to my parents, i felt like a failure to myself anyways. even when im regressed and want to act like a cat and cuddle i still feel shame. i can't ever escape shame because maybe i was taught that everything about myself is shameful. the only ones trying to make me feel good about myself is a very select few of my friends, my grandma, and myself. i know how i was raised isn't always to blame to stuff like this and that i'm making myself into a better person, but how am i supposed to be completely good when i've rarely experienced good?

my mom would say something like "but we did this, this, and this for you," but it all felt fake. it all felt fake, like she was making up for screaming at me and hitting me when i was little. i bet the only reason she stopped was because she knew i would tell people as i got older. i hate hugs from my parents no matter how bad i need it.

the way i got really into shoegaze is a little messed up. i got into it because the person i was dating showed me My Bloody Valentine and i really liked it, so i thought they were into all other kinds of shoegaze too (i think they showed me other bands but i don't remember). so i listened to more shoegaze bands and found out that i really liked everything that i was listening to, and then said partner made fun of me for being super into shoegaze... i mean it's kinda funny?