mama, we all go to hell.
Aug. 16th, 2025 01:18 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
grimcygneti really do feel like such a baby sometimes because i age regress and its so humiliating. i have no caretaker and all i do is lay in bed and hug and squeeze my cat plushie until it passes. i wish i wasn't like this.
it honestly might be because all i ever heard while growing up for the couple months before AND after birthdays was either "you're almost [age] now, do it by yourself." or "you're already [age] now, do it by yourself." i feel like i'm just dramatic and that that's normal, but what if i just wanted help? it's like wanting help is a criminal offense unless you're my sister. she's 13 and still gets read warrior cats books every night and still clings to our parents. i mean the extra help is necessary because she's physically disabled and can't walk for too long or stand for too long, but it's fucking excessive. not to be a bitch and be jealous of a literal 13 year old, because i'd do anything for her too, but i wouldn't excessively just give her everything she wants. i love her but she's so spoiled.
all i got when i was 13 was berating because i'm the gay trans one with adhd. (and i'm ugly on top of that.) I still get called "she" by my mom even though i have a little noticeable peach fuzz mustache, i don't shave anything anywhere, i don't wear anything else but smudged eyeliner and chapstick, and i've naturally deepened my voice. when i was EIGHT, i was very heavily medicated for my adhd and was called too emotional for having the bad side effects when all i needed was therapy. for as long as i can remember, i've always felt like i had to act a certain way all the time because there were "cameras everywhere and people watching" or some shit. since i was six i always looked in the mirror wondering when i'd look "normal like the other kids." normal never came because i'm wasian (indonesian + white) and i'm ugly in both worlds. i have two friends who are the thinner, paler, prettier, nicer versions of me. the word "distracted" makes me have flashbacks to when i was both homeschooled and in actual school, and makes me angry.
it's no big surprise i turned out this way. when i didn't feel like a failure to my parents, i felt like a failure to myself anyways. even when im regressed and want to act like a cat and cuddle i still feel shame. i can't ever escape shame because maybe i was taught that everything about myself is shameful. the only ones trying to make me feel good about myself is a very select few of my friends, my grandma, and myself. i know how i was raised isn't always to blame to stuff like this and that i'm making myself into a better person, but how am i supposed to be completely good when i've rarely experienced good?
my mom would say something like "but we did this, this, and this for you," but it all felt fake. it all felt fake, like she was making up for screaming at me and hitting me when i was little. i bet the only reason she stopped was because she knew i would tell people as i got older. i hate hugs from my parents no matter how bad i need it.
it honestly might be because all i ever heard while growing up for the couple months before AND after birthdays was either "you're almost [age] now, do it by yourself." or "you're already [age] now, do it by yourself." i feel like i'm just dramatic and that that's normal, but what if i just wanted help? it's like wanting help is a criminal offense unless you're my sister. she's 13 and still gets read warrior cats books every night and still clings to our parents. i mean the extra help is necessary because she's physically disabled and can't walk for too long or stand for too long, but it's fucking excessive. not to be a bitch and be jealous of a literal 13 year old, because i'd do anything for her too, but i wouldn't excessively just give her everything she wants. i love her but she's so spoiled.
all i got when i was 13 was berating because i'm the gay trans one with adhd. (and i'm ugly on top of that.) I still get called "she" by my mom even though i have a little noticeable peach fuzz mustache, i don't shave anything anywhere, i don't wear anything else but smudged eyeliner and chapstick, and i've naturally deepened my voice. when i was EIGHT, i was very heavily medicated for my adhd and was called too emotional for having the bad side effects when all i needed was therapy. for as long as i can remember, i've always felt like i had to act a certain way all the time because there were "cameras everywhere and people watching" or some shit. since i was six i always looked in the mirror wondering when i'd look "normal like the other kids." normal never came because i'm wasian (indonesian + white) and i'm ugly in both worlds. i have two friends who are the thinner, paler, prettier, nicer versions of me. the word "distracted" makes me have flashbacks to when i was both homeschooled and in actual school, and makes me angry.
it's no big surprise i turned out this way. when i didn't feel like a failure to my parents, i felt like a failure to myself anyways. even when im regressed and want to act like a cat and cuddle i still feel shame. i can't ever escape shame because maybe i was taught that everything about myself is shameful. the only ones trying to make me feel good about myself is a very select few of my friends, my grandma, and myself. i know how i was raised isn't always to blame to stuff like this and that i'm making myself into a better person, but how am i supposed to be completely good when i've rarely experienced good?
my mom would say something like "but we did this, this, and this for you," but it all felt fake. it all felt fake, like she was making up for screaming at me and hitting me when i was little. i bet the only reason she stopped was because she knew i would tell people as i got older. i hate hugs from my parents no matter how bad i need it.
